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This Too Shall Pass

I woke up this morning to a blue sky and a sour mind. My life is so different than it was “supposed” to be. I feel like a failure, I’ve spent so many years thinking about and navigating the ups and downs of a diagnosis and then treatment and then the side effects of treatment while bearing a true positive outlook. I’ve taken all kind of drugs with the hope of not only feeling better but also of not succumbing to some infection taking advantage of the “compromised immune system” which is mine to have and hold. I’ve spent so much time waiting for some sort of resolution while trying to remember that “it could be worse,” without dismissing that this, however good in so many way, is really, really fucking hard. What was I thinking? Why is this happening to me? What is going to happen next? Will I win or lose? Am I strong enough for this? Is even writing these thoughts down on paper this morning a sign of weakness?

My newspaper (the guide to not taking your own life too seriously) wasn’t on the porch this morning. This is not the first time this has happened and it makes me wonder, is someone taking the paper after it’s been delivered? Is the delivery guy having a bad day? I climbed back into bed and nestled up to my laptop and called The Oregonian who confirmed they would send another paper today. I’ll be waiting.

I found myself with a face full of tears this morning and it crossed my mind that I may have forgotten to take my nighttime meds and when I checked I saw that I had and I wondered about taking pills to feel better and if that means that the feelings you have while on medication are real feelings?

So much of my time and energy has been spent, on and on, in an effort to not feel bad. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I want to be a stand-up person because then maybe I will deserve to be saved from the fate of this taxing disease. On my bed this morning despite the blue sky and faithful support of friends and family and the kind eyes of those two dogs and my sincere belief in what I will call this morning “a higher power”, “God” and a “Saving grace,” I am swollen with exhausted tears. Remember to take your pills. This too shall pass.

Written 2/27/2011

 

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Is It Health Food?

Today is labor day, 2011. I spent two night last week in the hospital after they found from blood tests that I had no phosphorous in my system. I am home and feeling much better. Foods high in phosphorous include nuts, dairy (ice cream), potatoes and who knows what else. My ability to taste has changed and is not like most normal people, my new normal includes a love of different textures and different temperatures. A big bowl of ice cream with nuts offers creamy, cool crunchiness. Is it health food? It is if you’re low on phosphorous, which happily, I am not.

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A Gift to Myself

8/4/2010  This is Teisha sending an email to finally and officially announce the existence of a blog written by me and available for you to read anytime you’d like, or not at all.

This blog is a gift to me, having a place to explain, express and examine my life as it moves ahead curling this way and that around the unexpected circumstances of my sometimes wary but wonderful life.

In the midst of regular day-to-day living, coupled with a quirky and unrelenting share of laughs and more than a few expressions felt in the nature of “Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.” I write this blog as way to navigate this current cancer highway with my look at this matter of fact, it is what it is life experience.

The posts in this blog will not be in any sort of chronological order. Each will have a date in the title to indicate when it was originally written. Working has been a genuinely gratifying experience. My highest hope today is to add a new post to the site on a weekly basis, probably on Wednesdays, don’t ask me why.

In addition to offering up some of the perspective gained from life from cancer-camp-ground-zero there will also be words about the other parts of my life including; an intense affection for people and places and dogs and music and houses and music and books and food and fun. I mentioned music twice, on purpose I suppose.

You receive this today because I consider you a known entity of support and humor and hopefulness; as a friend, family member or someone I am glad to know. While my goal is to give myself a way to write about life, in order to cope with some of what is hard to believe, the process of writing whether it is of interest to anyone else or not, is cathartic.

My thanks to my mom for her unwavering, unconditional love, for all of my family, my step dad and friends and fellow cancer survivors and musicians and Realtors and early middle-aged persons and kids and elderly folks who show me  what it means to be loved and to love life. Thanks also to my Nurses, Doctors, Ex-boyfriends, Dentist, Veterinarians, Chefs, Writers, Teachers, Massage therapists and my ever loving dogs. Here we go!

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Here’s To Life’s Lessons

For better or for worse, for me, having a plan helps. I know my life is on the line. Some moments wash over me and I ask for Mercy. This morning after asking for Mercy came the impulse to open the book I started reading today and it left me feeling hopeful. Excited even. Capable at least.

Here’s to life lessons and learning and creativity and science, and friends and sunshine and babies and dogs and avocado and music and photographs and tissue paper and guitar pics and slippers and grapes and wish lists and high hopes and songs and flowers and trains and planes and automobiles and sand and water and soap and glasses and healthy cells and laughs and jokes and wind chimes and the robust sense of smell coming from the street.

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Style, She Had Her Own

Visiting a Parisian patisserie.

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I Wish We Were in Paris Again

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Five Birthdays

It’s how I measure the time.  Counting birthdays.  Exploring Teisha’s laptop to see what writing will open and be fit for the day.  Looking at photos in hope that something new will appear.  She remains ageless and beautiful.

Teisha’s Mom,

“As I come “back to my life” I do hope to give as much as I have been given. To show through my actions, the joy I feel for all the love I felt. You are more amazing than you think you are. I would not have made it without you.”   She wrote on 1/2/2009.  An excerpt “From Teisha About Her Journey,” something you will see in the future.

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