I woke up this morning to a blue sky and a sour mind. My life is so different than it was “supposed” to be. I feel like a failure, I’ve spent so many years thinking about and navigating the ups and downs of a diagnosis and then treatment and then the side effects of treatment while bearing a true positive outlook. I’ve taken all kind of drugs with the hope of not only feeling better but also of not succumbing to some infection taking advantage of the “compromised immune system” which is mine to have and hold. I’ve spent so much time waiting for some sort of resolution while trying to remember that “it could be worse,” without dismissing that this, however good in so many way, is really, really fucking hard. What was I thinking? Why is this happening to me? What is going to happen next? Will I win or lose? Am I strong enough for this? Is even writing these thoughts down on paper this morning a sign of weakness?

My newspaper (the guide to not taking your own life too seriously) wasn’t on the porch this morning. This is not the first time this has happened and it makes me wonder, is someone taking the paper after it’s been delivered? Is the delivery guy having a bad day? I climbed back into bed and nestled up to my laptop and called The Oregonian who confirmed they would send another paper today. I’ll be waiting.

I found myself with a face full of tears this morning and it crossed my mind that I may have forgotten to take my nighttime meds and when I checked I saw that I had and I wondered about taking pills to feel better and if that means that the feelings you have while on medication are real feelings?

So much of my time and energy has been spent, on and on, in an effort to not feel bad. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I want to be a stand-up person because then maybe I will deserve to be saved from the fate of this taxing disease. On my bed this morning despite the blue sky and faithful support of friends and family and the kind eyes of those two dogs and my sincere belief in what I will call this morning “a higher power”, “God” and a “Saving grace,” I am swollen with exhausted tears. Remember to take your pills. This too shall pass.

Written 2/27/2011

 

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